Lately I've been thinking quite a bit about my social life and the people who I'm surrounded around right now. I had a talk with one of my friends earlier last week, about how I don't really "open up". I found that rather surprising after hearing that from her, since I really thought that I keep her updated with a lot of stuff that happens to me. But what she really meant by "open up" was me telling her about the more "deeper things" about myself. Come to think of it, I realized that with all the friends I have right now (which is actually a minimal amount since I've been such an antisocial lately), it's always that "superficial" kind of friendship, and I don't really tell people what's really on my mind or any of the deeper things about myself or get along with them at an emotional level. Sure, we have fun, talk, hang out and joke around, but that's all there is to it.
Ever since my recent fallout with my ex-"best friend" (or so I thought she was), I've always had this whole "Fuck people, fuck everyone. They're all nothing but selfish pieces of shits that only care about themselves." kind of mindset taped at the back of my head, and honestly that's exactly what she was. Every single time she would call me (which was more than 5 times a day and I'm NOT exaggerating), she'd always talk about HERSELF and HER boy problems and just hearing her talk about herself 5 times + a day just annoyed the fuck out of me. It's not even that, when I attempted to open up and tell her about myself she would just cut me off and start talking about herself again. The funny thing is, she never got a clue and it was always her calling me and I never even called her once. But who cares, that's a part of my past that I am sure as hell that I won't be going back to ever again.
What I'm really getting to is, and this might sound really emo coming out of me, but I think the reason why I am disengaging myself from everyone is because I don't think anyone cares about me. Like even so, when I'm bored at home and I call people to hang out with me it's always excuses like "oh, I'm too poor", "I don't feel like chilling today, I feel lazy/the weather is shit", "I promised so-and-so that I'd do this-and-that with him/her" and shit like that. I'm always the one being shot down and rejected. And honestly the reason why I get to hang around with them is because they ask me to. They only ask me at their own convenience. I'm saying that they only call me out when they want to, and when I need them they're never really there for me. Not that every single one of my friends are like that, but I feel like a majority of the people that thought I needed aren't really there when I need them. Therefore, I feel like I'm just an option, and I can't tell anyone anything without thinking that they don't care.
Sigh, is there anyone out there that actually truly cares about me? Fuck.
